I am such a mess...
Well, I have to start this blog all over again and add some new entries. It's a bleeding shame, but at least it made me want to do some extra changes to my blog. So I changed the colour scheme of my shoutbox and scroll bar, plus I have added music to it. I promise Ophelia, no repeats alright. Do hope to be disciplined enough to change the music from time to time though. Think that for those who do bother to visit this bugger of a site may start to tire of the same song playing. I will try my best. Well at least that's the best I have to offer.
Anyway, if any of you have read my last entry - itz entitled "Torn" - I mentioned about my tendency to be overly sensitive towards people or things that I get emotionally attached to. I shall continue that entry here. If you did not happen to read it, it doesn't really matter. I can assure you that you will not get lost somewhere in between. Anyway, what I am writing is solely fucked up crap. If isn't worth a shit. I am amazed to realise that people actually want to listen to this crapshit. And I really am grateful for that.
So, back to the topic. As I was saying, I can't help but notice that lately I have been getting very much emotionally attached to certain mates, and also to my workplace. When this happens, things are prone to disaster - or rather close to it. The phrase "emotionally attached" for me, is very much literal. Emotions that come into play are not only those of joy and comfort. For me, expectations and worry comes hand in hand with it all.
On one hand, I want to ensure that I do not make any wrong moves to jeopardise these ties, and on the other hand, I develop a certain level of expectations that I want these people or objects to keep to. Expectations not so much in the sense of intelligence or ability, but rather in the sense of the attention and time set aside for me. My long time friends may probably know this already, just that I don't think they would so readily admit it in front of me; it's all a matter of this thing called pride, that I possess so much of. I am very much an attention-seeker. I like attention. But, I have to emphasize on the fact that I only seek attention from those I care dearly for. I couldn't care less what attention any other soul out there would give to me. All I require is the attention my loved ones - friends & family - give unto me.
Now for those who have come across the book "Five Love Languages - by Gary Chapman", you would know that people require different forms of affection and love. The five being:
1. Words of affirmation
2. Receiving Gifts
3. Quality Time
4. Acts of Service
5. Physical Touch
It is almost impossible to eliminate any of these 5 love languages. We have to come to terms with the fact that any kind of ties thrive on all of these love languages. It is only a matter of how important they are to each individual. If I had to rank my five love languages, it would be as follows: Quality time, acts of service, words of affirmation, physical touch, and lastly Receiving gifts.
To me, gifts are not really important. Gifts are important only in the sense of the other party's sincerity. To me, if the other party makes the effort of giving to me a meaningful gift, be it cheap or expensive, it doesn't matter. Materialistic value is not something we can use to measure love in its various forms.
Quality time would be of utmost importance to me. Time that is given to me, and me alone. With quality time, I would say that acts of service come hand-in-hand. Why would I say so? I feel that it is not a matter of how quality time is given to me. What matters is whether or not the other party/parties have made the effort to want to spend some quality time with me. This you would notice is very much a part of Acts of Service. The smallest of actions and effort made goes a long long way. It proves how much they cherish my presence. I always believe that to achieve something, it is often mind over matter. If, to begin with, one's heart is not in it, then nothing can ever be achieved. Saying that they cannot do it is merely an excuse. Yes there are situations that really forbid certain events from taking place. But what I need to see is that at least some amount of effort was made at all. This is something that not everyone can understand about me.
No matter how many ways I try to make them understand, certain people in my life have never been able to grasp this concept. It is one of the main reasons why I fell out with my ex-best friend. Best friends we no longer are, but I still place her in the category of 'close friend'.
Bugger, I am a complicated person. I presume that many people feel so too. I know what I want, and I want what I want. There is no other way around it. I try so hard to fit into other people's way of life; I try so hard to understand that some people just do not see things the way I do. But as time goes by, I realise that by doing so, I am selling myself short. I am just making myself miserable. Whatever am I doing that for? Am I daft?.. No, I am just trying to avoid conflicts. All my life, people have seen me as the stubborn kind of person, who ever so often argues for the sake of arguing. But not many realise that for most part of my life, I try all means to avoid conflict with those I care for. So much so that I mislead people to think that I don't mind what they are doing. Hence, all the problems arising in the end.
I know myself well enough that if I want to keep things bottled inside of me, I can do so very well indeed. Unless one pays close attention to the look in my eyes, the will notice nothing out of sorts. However, once I allow myself to let slip the anger or unhappiness inside of me, I cannot hold back anymore. The phrase "opening the flood gates" never seemed so clear as it is when this happens. Let me give you an example.
At work, all my colleagues know that I have a perfectionist's streak. Everything must be up to standard; which in this case means My Standards. I can hold back on my complaints of how messed up things are when standards are not kept. I have managed to "let things go" before. But ever so often, I fall into the role of picking at every single thing. This happens whenever I let slip whatever control I had placed on myself. It takes time to gain that control again. And also it takes much reflecting to notice such lost of control. Very often, I am just unaware of it. This is very much my undoing. Believe me. It has placed me in all sorts of situations that I seriously dread being in.
Still, this is the way I am. This the way I most probably will always be. Life's a blooming bitch. Itz a fucked up world, and I have a fucked up wanking mind. Hah! Try to beat that. Betcha you can't.
Anyway, if any of you have read my last entry - itz entitled "Torn" - I mentioned about my tendency to be overly sensitive towards people or things that I get emotionally attached to. I shall continue that entry here. If you did not happen to read it, it doesn't really matter. I can assure you that you will not get lost somewhere in between. Anyway, what I am writing is solely fucked up crap. If isn't worth a shit. I am amazed to realise that people actually want to listen to this crapshit. And I really am grateful for that.
So, back to the topic. As I was saying, I can't help but notice that lately I have been getting very much emotionally attached to certain mates, and also to my workplace. When this happens, things are prone to disaster - or rather close to it. The phrase "emotionally attached" for me, is very much literal. Emotions that come into play are not only those of joy and comfort. For me, expectations and worry comes hand in hand with it all.
On one hand, I want to ensure that I do not make any wrong moves to jeopardise these ties, and on the other hand, I develop a certain level of expectations that I want these people or objects to keep to. Expectations not so much in the sense of intelligence or ability, but rather in the sense of the attention and time set aside for me. My long time friends may probably know this already, just that I don't think they would so readily admit it in front of me; it's all a matter of this thing called pride, that I possess so much of. I am very much an attention-seeker. I like attention. But, I have to emphasize on the fact that I only seek attention from those I care dearly for. I couldn't care less what attention any other soul out there would give to me. All I require is the attention my loved ones - friends & family - give unto me.
Now for those who have come across the book "Five Love Languages - by Gary Chapman", you would know that people require different forms of affection and love. The five being:
1. Words of affirmation
2. Receiving Gifts
3. Quality Time
4. Acts of Service
5. Physical Touch
It is almost impossible to eliminate any of these 5 love languages. We have to come to terms with the fact that any kind of ties thrive on all of these love languages. It is only a matter of how important they are to each individual. If I had to rank my five love languages, it would be as follows: Quality time, acts of service, words of affirmation, physical touch, and lastly Receiving gifts.
To me, gifts are not really important. Gifts are important only in the sense of the other party's sincerity. To me, if the other party makes the effort of giving to me a meaningful gift, be it cheap or expensive, it doesn't matter. Materialistic value is not something we can use to measure love in its various forms.
Quality time would be of utmost importance to me. Time that is given to me, and me alone. With quality time, I would say that acts of service come hand-in-hand. Why would I say so? I feel that it is not a matter of how quality time is given to me. What matters is whether or not the other party/parties have made the effort to want to spend some quality time with me. This you would notice is very much a part of Acts of Service. The smallest of actions and effort made goes a long long way. It proves how much they cherish my presence. I always believe that to achieve something, it is often mind over matter. If, to begin with, one's heart is not in it, then nothing can ever be achieved. Saying that they cannot do it is merely an excuse. Yes there are situations that really forbid certain events from taking place. But what I need to see is that at least some amount of effort was made at all. This is something that not everyone can understand about me.
No matter how many ways I try to make them understand, certain people in my life have never been able to grasp this concept. It is one of the main reasons why I fell out with my ex-best friend. Best friends we no longer are, but I still place her in the category of 'close friend'.
Bugger, I am a complicated person. I presume that many people feel so too. I know what I want, and I want what I want. There is no other way around it. I try so hard to fit into other people's way of life; I try so hard to understand that some people just do not see things the way I do. But as time goes by, I realise that by doing so, I am selling myself short. I am just making myself miserable. Whatever am I doing that for? Am I daft?.. No, I am just trying to avoid conflicts. All my life, people have seen me as the stubborn kind of person, who ever so often argues for the sake of arguing. But not many realise that for most part of my life, I try all means to avoid conflict with those I care for. So much so that I mislead people to think that I don't mind what they are doing. Hence, all the problems arising in the end.
I know myself well enough that if I want to keep things bottled inside of me, I can do so very well indeed. Unless one pays close attention to the look in my eyes, the will notice nothing out of sorts. However, once I allow myself to let slip the anger or unhappiness inside of me, I cannot hold back anymore. The phrase "opening the flood gates" never seemed so clear as it is when this happens. Let me give you an example.
At work, all my colleagues know that I have a perfectionist's streak. Everything must be up to standard; which in this case means My Standards. I can hold back on my complaints of how messed up things are when standards are not kept. I have managed to "let things go" before. But ever so often, I fall into the role of picking at every single thing. This happens whenever I let slip whatever control I had placed on myself. It takes time to gain that control again. And also it takes much reflecting to notice such lost of control. Very often, I am just unaware of it. This is very much my undoing. Believe me. It has placed me in all sorts of situations that I seriously dread being in.
Still, this is the way I am. This the way I most probably will always be. Life's a blooming bitch. Itz a fucked up world, and I have a fucked up wanking mind. Hah! Try to beat that. Betcha you can't.
posted by Raelin at Wednesday, July 07, 2004
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