I want out!

I don't want to be the sensible one anymore. Dear God, I am so sick of it. All this time, people have always seen me as the sensible one, the mature one, the reliable one... For the love of God! I am 20! Just 20! Not 21; certainly not 30!! I am barely an adult yet! Can't you just cut me some slack?!.. I want to be reckless; I want to be spoilt; I want to be the pampered one... Can't anyone understand that there is only so much responsibility one can take?! I don’t fucking want to be the one whom people can depend on all the time to make things right. I am sick and tired of being the staid one all the time. Why can’t I be like those people who can get away with being irresponsible? Never have I been able to successfully whine and pout until I get my way. Either people cannot understand why I am acting as such – apparently all too different from my usual self – or I cannot even achieve a guilt-free conscience after such a demeanour. Blessed hell, it would only serve to leave me with the bitter after-taste of disdain at my lack of restraint. I daresay, this is all my own doing. Despite the fact that I am very aware of such, and that I want so badly for tables to be turned, I am perplexed as to why I just cannot bring myself to do it?! Why is it that others can say the most downright insulting thing, and actually not feel a shred of guilt for doing so? I, too, want to be able to throw insults, be unreasonable, just be downright mean, and not only look, but also feel as if that is the most natural thing in the world!.. But I can’t! I just can’t, for fuck’s sake!! I feel so bleeding trapped......