Leave me alone!.. Please I beseech you..

The last days of 2004.. I have my family with me; friends who I love dearly; colleagues who are a fantastic bunch. And yet..
I'm not happy, and I don't know why. Somehow, there's something missing. I keep feeling this hollowness inside of me that grows deeper with each passing day. The deeper I search, the further I seem to finding myself again.
One year ago, that was a terrible time. But I picked myself up somehow and moved on. I am happier now then I was at that point in time. God knows how much happier I am. But the emptyness in me remains. And this has turned me into someone I am striving so so hard not to be. My inner demons have turned me sombre and cold. I get defensive at the slightest threats (even if they are not threats at all to begin with). Any chance I get, my anger seems to come full force. It starts with a slight spark of irritation. Within moments, I am a blazing ball of fury. No matter how hard I try to suppress it, I can't bloody manage to keep them at bay. Gosh! I am not blind to my own cynicism. But I don't know what to do. I turned from a emotional wreck to a cold-hearted critic. It's been ages since I last had a good long cry. I've become rather good at repressing my tears. But then again, my tear ducts seemed to be having a drought.
I am so so tired. Some may say it is just because I am wearing myself out schooling and doing part-time. I beg to differ. I am not physically tired. I am mentally and emotionally tired. I want to throw that weight on someone else. But who is there? Certainly not my family. My friends have probably been bearing the brunt of my mood swings already, so having them share the load is definitely not an option. And no, I don't have any significant other to dump it on either. So this load will probably have to remain with me until I figure out whatever it is that is bothering my unconscious.
I worry. I really do. This situation is not only draining me of every iota of strength; it is also seriously compromising my relationship with other people. My self-esteem is at its all time low right now, though outwardly people may not see it. I should really get an Oscar for that.
Blessed hell.. how long more do I have to carry this burden on my back?!.. I need salvation.. I need to feel whole again. To go back to the time where I could be contented and free. Right now, I feel like the frog who fell into the well. I keep jumping and jumping but I cannot break free. I try to climb out but I just keep slipping down. My pain is my only companion, and yet I cannot deal with this emotional pain.
It is at times like this that I understand why some people resort to self-mutilation. Physical pain is something that you can see. Something that is real to you. Emotional pain, you can't see. What you can't see, you can't get rid of. In other words, you cannot deal with it. I'd probably not resort to self-mutilation.. Jesus christ! What am I saying?! Of course I won't resort to that. No way!.. But I need an outlet. Somehow I've got to find it fast, before I end up drowning in my own sea of despair and cynicism. No more please.. Just leave me alone. I need to be who I am again. Spare me please...