What is it that's building up inside?
Hectic. That's all I can say for my 2 weeks passed - notice I haven't been posting any entries. Something is bugging me, though I am not sure what. Ever get that kind of nagging feeling that there is something bothering you and just waiting to explode? Well that's how I am feeling right now. Hm.. or it could be just my bloated womb that is waiting to burst, but seems to be momentarily stucked - ladies I think you know what I am implying here. Still I go back to my main point, and that is that I am feeling 'down', so to speak. But I have no inkling as to WHY??? All seems fine actually; friends in school seem alright, partly coz I no longer want to get myself into a position where I am vulnerable and can be used as a floor mat - at least not with the people in that godforsaken place.. Apparently home is actually fine, although I don't know why I keep getting into unneeded fights with my sister. And boy do we blow up.
I guess a large portion of this barely subdued frustration is all thanks to the heavy work load. It seems that my nice tutor decided to break down our projects into a couple of mini-projects. And one mini-project seems to require much more effort than a mere half of a big project. Here's the calculation bit ladies & gentlemen. Assuming a mini-project is of the same weightage in terms of effort, half a big project. Now, four of such mini-projects will be equivalent to? Yes that's right! 2 large projects!! That's very good calculation work there my friend. On top of that, I have a mid-term quiz for my accounting class coming up on friday, and a project due soon for my that subject too. And tons of reading yet to be read. Well I'll be damned. I do have alot to do don't I?.. Blessed hell.. And for the past 2 nights I have been sleeping at 6am; only to get up at 9plus, all thanks to the racket my sisters make, and their fucking phone calls.
So I lack sleep, and I am somewhat stressing at the moment. Still I cannot shake off that nagging feeling that there is more than meets the eye in terms of the frustration I am feeling. But I just can't put a finger to it. No use in wrecking my brains over something like that. I'll just go with the flow and pray that I don't collapse under all that weight.
People have been asking me to quit my job. They feel that it is taking up too much of my time. I understand how they see this situation. But I doubt I will quit anytime soon. I have my reasons for this adamant attitude. Firstly, I am so pressed for time only coz too many projects are due this week. Normally, however, I would be able to cope very well with work and school. Secondly, and one of the most important reasons, I cannot afford to quit. Work place is my only solace. Many people will be shocked at what I have just said. How can work be peaceful?? The truth is it is a world I can enter, that is free from anything to do with that hell-hole of a school, as well as from anything academic. There, I don't have to mentally tire myself out, so as to ensure that I am mixing in the right crowd, in the right way. Here, I don't have to waste all that time and effort trying to make life easier by socialising with people I don't even like. I don't have that kind of pressure at work. Of course there are the occasional ninny of a customer, and the office politics, but at the end of the day, I don't have to bring this back home. I can just let it go without earning a scar of any kind. It's a whole different world to me. Some place that I can enjoy my time with the friends I like, and talk & behave the way I am. I need the work. I need somewhere that I can free myself from all that that binds me in school or at home.
Gosh I need some sleep. Ah yes, the solace of my room and my dream world. My other escape root. I need it so so badly. Can't wait to leave that hell-hole. Hah.. I am even looking forward to doing my final year project, coz it means that I'll be out of there in a blink of an eye. And that means I can get to work with people I like (my FYP group). People who will bother to suit my schedule when the need arises. Ah.. nothing like friends, allies, buddies.. ya-da ya-da ya-da
I guess a large portion of this barely subdued frustration is all thanks to the heavy work load. It seems that my nice tutor decided to break down our projects into a couple of mini-projects. And one mini-project seems to require much more effort than a mere half of a big project. Here's the calculation bit ladies & gentlemen. Assuming a mini-project is of the same weightage in terms of effort, half a big project. Now, four of such mini-projects will be equivalent to? Yes that's right! 2 large projects!! That's very good calculation work there my friend. On top of that, I have a mid-term quiz for my accounting class coming up on friday, and a project due soon for my that subject too. And tons of reading yet to be read. Well I'll be damned. I do have alot to do don't I?.. Blessed hell.. And for the past 2 nights I have been sleeping at 6am; only to get up at 9plus, all thanks to the racket my sisters make, and their fucking phone calls.
So I lack sleep, and I am somewhat stressing at the moment. Still I cannot shake off that nagging feeling that there is more than meets the eye in terms of the frustration I am feeling. But I just can't put a finger to it. No use in wrecking my brains over something like that. I'll just go with the flow and pray that I don't collapse under all that weight.
People have been asking me to quit my job. They feel that it is taking up too much of my time. I understand how they see this situation. But I doubt I will quit anytime soon. I have my reasons for this adamant attitude. Firstly, I am so pressed for time only coz too many projects are due this week. Normally, however, I would be able to cope very well with work and school. Secondly, and one of the most important reasons, I cannot afford to quit. Work place is my only solace. Many people will be shocked at what I have just said. How can work be peaceful?? The truth is it is a world I can enter, that is free from anything to do with that hell-hole of a school, as well as from anything academic. There, I don't have to mentally tire myself out, so as to ensure that I am mixing in the right crowd, in the right way. Here, I don't have to waste all that time and effort trying to make life easier by socialising with people I don't even like. I don't have that kind of pressure at work. Of course there are the occasional ninny of a customer, and the office politics, but at the end of the day, I don't have to bring this back home. I can just let it go without earning a scar of any kind. It's a whole different world to me. Some place that I can enjoy my time with the friends I like, and talk & behave the way I am. I need the work. I need somewhere that I can free myself from all that that binds me in school or at home.
Gosh I need some sleep. Ah yes, the solace of my room and my dream world. My other escape root. I need it so so badly. Can't wait to leave that hell-hole. Hah.. I am even looking forward to doing my final year project, coz it means that I'll be out of there in a blink of an eye. And that means I can get to work with people I like (my FYP group). People who will bother to suit my schedule when the need arises. Ah.. nothing like friends, allies, buddies.. ya-da ya-da ya-da
posted by Raelin at Tuesday, September 07, 2004
0 Comments:
Post a Comment
<< Home