The beginning of the end.

The beginning of the end.
I've always seen this phrase in a positive light. Something along the lines of: The beginning to the end of bad times.
But this time round, my thoughts are the complete opposite of this. This time, it is different.
Maybe they're right. I am a turning into a hopeless pessimist. Or maybe I am turning cynical. There are times when a light breeze just seems to blow away all my troubles and warms my weary soul. Right at that moment, everything seems perfect. It allows me to take in the comings and goings of my environment, with a deep and uninhibited breath. But how often does that happen?.. Right now, I can't seem to breathe. I try so hard to take in gulps of air; but it's not enough. I need more..
My frustration breeds with each passing day. I want to break-free from the implications of walking this very ground; the implications that my cynicism feeds on; the implications that enters through every follicle of my body. I feel that heaviness there all the time, but I can't see it. How can I break-free from something that is not visible to me?.. The idea of it seems so absurd.
I never really knew what the quote "Quod Me Nutrit, Me Destruit" ( What nourishes me, also destroys me) meant, until now. The lie I live in seeks to keep me alive, to allow me the ability of handling all that is against me. But it is this lie that is tearing down whatever fight I have left it me. It is leaving me emptier each time.
I want to stand firm for what I believe in, and yet in this, I am my own nemesis. The more I push to stand my ground, the more I hate myself. No. I should say, the more I despise and detest myself. I detest the lost in control. Blessed hell.. I am someone who needs to be in control of my life, but that is the one thing that I seem incapable of doing. My emotions are all over the place. My anger builds, but with no outlet to ease it. I've lost control of my life.
I want to do something drastic. What can I do?.. Nothing it seems. There are times when I ache to feel pain. Physical pain. I ache to tear at my skin. To rip out the heat and anger that lies underneath this skin. I want to tear my skull apart and remove every ounce of memories, words and pain that I keep hearing and picturing. I want to scream like there is no tomorrow; scream till my voice is left with nothing. To the point that I can no longer say anything that could make me lose the pathetic bit of self-control left in me. Most of all, I ache to shut my eyes, and shut the whole world out.
To answer Sol, I wish to lighten up to. Dear Lord, I do wish it so badly. But I don't know how. I try, and I try. But I cannot remain indifferent. Some people manage to do it, but I don't seem able to. How I envy them. How I wish I could just brush aside these thoughts. I tell myself: Leave it. Why get so bothered and end up making yourself frustrated?! It's not worth it.
But that is as far as I seem capable of going. Words just go round in my head. I keep hearing them. The more I try to repress them, the louder they become. The phrase "think happy thoughts" do not work here. Trust me, if I could, I would give anything, ANYTHING to be indifferent and allay this frustration. Try as I may, I have yet to find a way to do so.
This my friend, is the only bit of optimism that I can show. The hope of one day being able to finally let go. Until that day comes..
I this the only place that I can freely rant and remove all that frustration. The only place that I can go to the extreme in words, and thoughts. The only place where words can be uninhibited. Do not take my words too seriously. And yet, do not take them too lightly either. They are my true thoughts afterall; but just the ones at their most extreme.