Why I couldn't see What was Right in Front of Me..

Time seems to be the one thing that I do not have. Unfortunately, I am still procrastinating. I wonder why..
Perhaps I just want some time to myself; some time to just waste the day away. I can think of many things to do that would be a perfect waste of time. Yes yes, I know.. I chose my path right?.. I could have had the chance to take a break, but I chose not to do so right? You know, I cannot understand why I did that.. A part of me wants so much to just take a break from it all.. And yet, I can't seem to bring myself to do so. Is this what people call a 'workaholic'? Am I such a person? I shudder to think so. Oft I think that the reason I am being so obstinate about this is because I don't want to miss out on things. I used to think that I did so because I want to show to others that I can work; that I can handle the stress. Well, probably a part of that is true. However, the fundamental truth is that I don't want to be the one who misses out on activities. I don't want to be the one in the group who is not part of the conversation, pretty much because I don't know what is going on in the first place. Truth is I detest being left out and I detest being alone. It is not so much physically being by myself (I mean everyone needs their space from time to time), but rather it is more of a spiritual/emotional sort of loneliness. I don't need to be the centre of attention. No, I do not yearn for that. What I yearn for is to be part of something. To feel somewhat important. No more, no less.

I think that I often beat myself over the notion that I don't seem to be part of the group. Non-chalance just does not come naturally to me. The more I think about it, the more I can picture myself all throughout my life (from my primary school days till now), worrying that I might end up being kicked out of a group. And it does not help when such poignant situations have really happened. Such ostensible truth, and yet I could not see it. Or maybe I chose to swipe it out of my mind.

These days, I prefer to not get so involved in many things. Well, at least I try to remain aloof. I fear the pain of worry and disappointment. As much as I really want to be an open book, and to have my emotions all laid out in the open, I know that it would not be fair for me to do so. Emotions are hard to control, but rationality is. To openly show and tell about my displeasure and disappointment may not be such a good thing, especially if it involves circumstances that, even my most emotionally-affected rationality, feels is overrated. This pragmatic way of going about my life is just irritating. In fact, I am well aware that it can be down-right anal. Damnation.